The Intruder - Aly Denneane

This quote a été ajouté par aly813
She could feel her body shaking as she silently sat within the far back of her deep ended closet. She could hear the heavy footsteps draw nearer and nearer towards her forsaken bedroom. She closed her tear filled eyes, praying deep within her thoughts. As she continued to pray, she heard her bedroom door squeak open slowly. Her body began to quiver. Thoughts of the unknown leapt through her thoughts. Just then, she saw the shadow upon her closet door. It was too late...

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dvorakdan 6 années, 7 mois avant
This is pretty good, a lot of good detail. Two minor issues, one is "she body began to quiver" obviously this is one of those changed your mind in mid-sentence editing errors. And two, the image of "she saw the shadow upon her closet door " didn't feel right to me. Was the door open as the shadow came near? Then, ok, but it isn't clear it is open. If it isn't open, I can't imagine how you would see the shadow without seeing the arm that opens the door, or even half of the body. Bonus suggestion, using thoughts twice in the same sentence seemed a little awkward, you might consider changing one. Still, pretty good.

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