Mitch Hedberg
My apartment is infested with koala bars. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want ‘em to. I'm like, "Hey, hold on fellas. Let me hold one of you."
Mitch Hedberg
I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations I've travelled to, but first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.
Mitch Hedberg
I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
Mitch Hedberg
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
